Monday, May 19, 2014

A Well of Emotions

You know that feeling you get when you are rocking your precious baby to sleep and he is calm, adorable and smells like heaven? It starts in your belly and creeps up through your chest to the bottom of your throat where it collects into a ball that you just can't swallow until you start crying because you are so overwhelmed with love for this human being you have created.

Precious sleeping B. 

It is a beautiful, scary feeling. You want to do everything you can for this child and be the best parent the world has ever seen. Of course, at this moment, the sweetly sleeping baby is awoken by your sobs and you have to collect yourself to get the little terror back to sleep. 

This is just the beginning of the well of emotions I have experienced as a new mom. Then there is the time when the tears of joy are replaced with sheer terror and dread. 

I get this feeling when I think B may be getting sick. Like when he vomits an entire bottle of formula or when he wakes up with a stream of green snot stuck to his upper lip and side of his face. The pit of my stomach that holds so much joy and love for my beautiful, blue-eyed baby boy is replaced with a gut-wrenching mix of anger and distress. 
Will the snot stay green throughout the day? Do we have any boogie wipes? Will I ever not smell like formula vomit? Will I vomit the next time it happens? Will the couch smell like vomit? Is there enough Febreeze in the world to combat the stench? Will he sleep at all? Will I sleep at all? How much baby Motrin can you give a child? Should I call the doctor? OMG, what if he needs antibiotics?! (see post from March)
Let me tell you, this kid can see the snot sucker from across the room and it sends him into a fit with arms flailing and head shaking. He hates having his nose and face wiped, acting as if his hand is being cut off. Sometimes when I see he has boogers in his nose, I leave them for a while. What does a little booger hurt? He could certainly care less.

But when I am rocking him to sleep, with or without a fever, it makes all of the terrible smells and snot-wiping well worth it. And in true B fashion, he is happy even when he is isn't feeling his best.

B at 4.5 months. Diagnosed with RSV three days later.

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