You always hear that everyone grieves in their own way and in stages. But what we don't talk a lot about is the fact that each and every moment of the day can be different. You can be bopping along and then all of the sudden - WHAM - sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, etc. take over. Sometimes it takes just another moment to regain composure, while other times it takes days to recover...for things to seem "normal" again. The triggers are all different and unexpected. Smells, sound, music, a person's laugh, a happy memory, a difficult time, a fun experience, or just the same mundane drive to work.
I had hoped the randomness of the grief I experience around my mom's death would subside as time passed. Daily life has gotten easier, but the emotional washes still arise. Having a full schedule - husband, toddler, work - keep me going because "I've got to, MISTER!" (Skip to 1:38 in video clip below for reference)
There is no stopping for an hour to have a mental breakdown, and I thought of this as a good thing for me. Then I realized about six months after my mom passed away that this might not be healthy because my grief started to erupt more frequently and manifest in varying ways.
Acknowledging the grief in those moments has helped me deal with it and keep moving. Not move past it or move on, but just keep moving.
I occasionally read random articles...OK that's a stretch, I read random articles every day. A few days ago I found one that was of particular interest to me - 20 Things I Wish Someone Told Me About Grief. All of these are true for me and I do wish I knew them before; not that it would have helped that much. Just reading them made me feel better. Here are a few I found poignant:
1. We don't actually get over losses. We absorb them, and they redirect us into a more grounded way of living.
5. There isn’t always a spiritual aha moment or a reason. Sometimes, it just is what it is.
7. Anger is normal. Feel it. Embrace it. Allow it to work through you. ::Big one for me. This was an emotion I didn't expect::
12. There is no such thing as normal when it comes to grieving. Be patient and kind to yourself.
14. You will never go back to being your “old” self.
**NOTE: The writer of the article lost her childhood dog before writing this piece. That made me giggle.
No loss is greater than those that come before. Each is different and evokes different types of grief. Death may be a part of living, but it doesn't make it easier. But with loss come stages of wisdom. You've attained that. You'll never get over the loss, but you'll learn to accept it.
ReplyDeleteDon't deny yourself the grief. Express it. Talk about it, just as you've done here. It doesn't make it go away; just makes it tolerable. One day at a time.